Thank God for Company Funded FSA's

I recently found out that I can be reimbursed for pregnancy tests out of my flexible spending account. Can I get an AMEN!!!

The company I work for puts $1,000 each year in a flexible spending account for each of its employees. How awesome is that?? When I started working here I could not believe that aside from the awesome (fully company paid) benefits I receive for me and my entire crew that they would give me a free $1,000 dollars besides that.

This craziness has just fueled the fire to make me an even more obsessive compulsive TTCer. So you are telling me I can get my self all excited and crush my spirits by peeing on all sorts of pregnancy tests for days before I even expect my period for FREE. HALLELUJAH!!!!!

I am expecting my period in 6 days, so today as the girls went from a little tender when I woke up to screaming in pain by the time I took my lunch, I just had to take a test. I figure, my period is either coming sooner than I expected, or we have done the deed. There was a small spat between the TTC Devil and Angel on my shoulders that went something like this:

"Come on seriously..... get a grip on yourself woman. It is 6 days before your period is even supposed to come and this is not first morning urine."

"First morning urine... patooty. TAKE THE TEST!!"

"You are just going to be disappointed, there is no way you are going to get a positive 6 days before you period is due."

"But peeing on a stick is FUN!!"

I was then encouraged by my TTC coworker to just take the damn test. I did, it was negative. The angel was right this time, but it was fun to piss on the stick that my company paid for. MUHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

How Romantic: Semi-Calculated Sex

As much as I would love to plan each and every aspect of my life, I know this is just not possible. For many different reasons, May would be the perfect month to have our next baby. A few months off during the summer, not being really pregnant in August and September, baby openings with my most wonderful daycare lady will come in July 2009, and a possible "big change" in our healthcare plan for June 1, 2009 to name a few. Although we have done our fair share of trying these past few days, I know nothing is guaranteed.

What I can plan is having lots of semi-calculated lovin'!! I have not yet fallen prey to the world of ovulation prediction kits and basal body temping, although I have clearly done my research. Right now we are just relying on me knowing my cycle and my body and hoping that in the mean time, we will have just the right amount of semi-calculated whoopy. My calculations tell me ovulation will happen today, here's hoping we built up the troops this weekend and we won't miss the big drop. Just to be on the safe side, I will insist on a few more days of fun, I'm sure my husband will be thoroughly disappointed. ;)

A Reason for Everything

I am the type of person who wants a to connect the dots for all aspects of my life. Recently, I have been sucked into the world of reading blogs.

It started very innocently with a link from a message board I post on to the blog of Angie Smith. I quickly was drawn into her blog. She has an amazing relationship with God, even during a very stormy time in her life. Angie's blog follows the pregnancy, birth and untimely death of her beautiful daughter Audrey Caroline. Through her blog, I linked to a few others. All of these blogs had one thing in common: a difficult prognosis being given, followed by the loss of a sweet baby.

Another favorite blog of mine is that of Matt Logelin. He was another blog, found innocently through the Star Trib's Cribsheet blog. His story is very different, but has a very common thread: loss. Matt's wife, Liz, was on strict hospital bed rest before giving birth to their baby daughter Madeline prematurely. Liz lost her life 27 hours after the birth of her daughter, on her way to hold Maddy for the first time. I have linked to several other widow blogs from Matt's that I just can't stop reading.

Often times I wonder, "Why is it that I am so drawn to these stories of loss?" Since I feel like there must be a reason, it has me almost panicking at times that I am reading these blogs to prepare myself for some unknown in the future. Am I going to conceive a child only to lose my husband in a car crash? Will I conceive another child who will not be perfectly formed in womb and lose them? These thoughts are endless and honestly kind of scare me.

I am not normally an anxious person, but for some reason I can't stop thinking these horrible thoughts of what could be. I know that only time will tell all the answers to my questions, but that does not stop me from asking them. I want to know the reason for everything.

Babies and Big Boys

My tiny shred of hope I had this month, that this was the month came and went as quick as the weekend. I had a little bit of the buildup on Saturday when I had no sign of getting my period. But to no avail, Sunday came and my hope baby was ripped away from me.

I am getting so excited about the possibility of another baby. Every time I venture into any store my mind drifts to the baby department. I can't help peering at the tiny little clothes, taking in all the great new gadgets, and scanning for the brave new mama or daddy, in hopes of seeing a precious little newborn babe in tow. My thoughts are consumed by babies.

It just seems so hard to believe that my first baby is already almost three. Has it seriously been almost three years since I saw his perfect little face for the first time? For some reason the approach of Brock's third birthday is much more difficult than his second. He is just not a baby in any meaning of the word anymore. (well except for the fact that he is still a nuki-whore!) Just for fun, here is a list of things that have brought him into preschoolerhood since his second birthday.

• He self-weaned from breastfeeding shortly after his second birthday.
• He now not only knows his ABC's, but can recognize most of the letters, most of the time.
• He tries to color parts of a picture, instead of just scribbling across a page.
• He can ride a tricycle.
• He is fully potty-trained, day and night.
• Not only is he potty-trained, but he can "pee like daddy!"
• He eats at the table with us.
• He is able to dress himself.
• He knows how to spell his name, most of the time.
• He constantly reminds us that he is "...bigger to do that now."

There are so many more things to add to this list. I can't wait for him to be a big brother. He is such a loving, caring, sweet little boy. Some have even been lucky enough to witness these characteristics when he stops for a break in his, as I like to call it, spiritedness. Lucky me, as his mommy, I get to witness his sweet little personality every single day.

This morning, when Brock woke up, I was sitting in front of a full length mirror getting ready for work. He came into the room and curled up in my lap facing me. In the mornings and if he is upset, or trying to calm down, he likes to put his cheek on my skin right under the nape of my neck. This morning as he was cuddling in, I could physically see in the mirror how big he is. I was remembering back to those days almost three years ago when his entire, tiny, curled up little body would have (and did many times) fit into that spot where he now loves to rest his head in the morning.

It is so bittersweet watching a child grow up. I love seeing all the new things he can do, learning with him, and shaping the person I hope he will be one day. At the same time, I long for the days of breastfeeding, cuddling a baby on my chest and taking in the distinct smell that only a newborn baby has.

I am so excited to do all of the newborn stuff again, and this time, with Brock. Maybe next month will be our month. Hmmm, May sounds like a lovely month for a baby!